


all of my goodness is going with you now

by Balthamos



Series: ...and I almost thought that I could change the past, and I almost, but that never really lasts... [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: What would've happened if David never saw Matteo again after the texts? If Matteo isolated himself further and didn't reach out for help? If he left before David could talk to him?In this story Matteo left shortly after David told him to leave him alone. David never knew why although he had his suspicions. Now two years later, Matteo is back and David needs answers, for closure if nothing else.





	1. he's back

David was sitting in the courtyard at the main university, waiting for Leonie and probably Sara. They were going to grab lunch and catch up. It was the second week of term and all three of them had been crazy busy, David hadn’t seen either of them all week, though they were in contact via text. It didn’t help that David wasn’t a student at the university, he was studying at the film school across town. 

Sara was at theatre school close to his school, so all three of them were separated. Of course Sara and Leonie saw each other a lot more because they were dating but even they were struggling. Third year was already a lot more intense, and they were only two weeks in.

Sometimes David couldn’t believe he was here. Or still here, two years ago he’d been so ready to take off, to run away. Straight to Detroit he’d once told Matteo. He’d come pretty close when he’d been outed, hopped on a train to Furstenberg with no intention of ever coming back. His godmother, his sister, and a text from Matteo had all convinced him to go back, to at least get his AbI before leaving.

So he’d come back, sat his Abi, even attended the Abi prank afterwards, and had fun. Almost. Matteo had been gone a month by that point, and David had started to give up hope of ever seeing him again. 

David still had no idea what really happened. He sent the texts to Matteo asking him to stay away. He regretted it immediately, and a few days later sent him a drawing to apologise. He never got a response.

It took David almost two weeks to build up the courage to just approach Matteo directly, he was going to tell him everything. He cared about him too much to let him go. And he trusted him, he didn’t know why, but he just knew it would be ok between them. Maybe it would take time but he knew Matteo cared for him too, he wouldn’t just throw this away.

But when he’d shown up at the WG he’d been told by Hans that Matteo had left, gone to Italy with his father. David had been devastated. He’d heard from Matteo once more, the day after the video of him and arguing with his PE teacher had circulated. It was part of the reason he’d been brave enough to come back.

David had had no plans to stay in Berlin long term, but yet here he was two years later. Mostly because he didn’t want to leave Laura, he had friends here, and the film school was amazing. But sometimes, at night, when he was feeling particularly lonely he would admit, only to himself, that the small chance of seeing Matteo again, if he were to ever come back, was also keeping him there. He told himself it could’ve been worse, he could’ve gone to film school in Italy instead. Now that would’ve been desperate.

He passed his time waiting by watching the students milling about. He found them a bit boring compared to the students at his own school, a bit bland, not as cool as his own peers. Leonie would call him pretentious for that kind of comment, not that he would dare voice it. 

He frowned and watched as Jonas walked across the courtyard. Jonas, Matteo’s best friend, or former best friend, David didn’t know. So many times he’d wanted to walk up to the boy, ask if he’d heard from Matteo, if he knew how he was doing. He’d always bottled it though. He didn’t know what Matteo had told Jonas, if anything. They’d run into each other a couple of times at parties and social events, and Jonas had always been friendly enough, but he didn’t dare risk it.

“Hey mopey,” Leonie said, sitting down beside him. 

Sara sat down on his other side.

“Mopey?” Sara asked.

“I think he’s lovesick,” Leonie informed her. “I think it’s high time David got himself a boyfriend… or a girlfriend, whatever you want but it’s sad watching you all alone… I’m tired of you saying you’re too busy. Sara and I are way busier than you,” she told him.

“I’m fine Leonie,” he said.

They’d gone over this a thousand times by this point. No matter how many times he told them he wasn’t interested, that he wanted to focus on school, the pair of them were adamant they needed to find him a partner.

Of course that wasn’t the only reason David didn’t want to date. He’d already had his chance at love and screwed it up completely. He wasn’t going to try that again anytime soon. But he wasn’t going to think about that now. Not that he wasn’t always thinking about it.

“I think I might be able to change your mind,” Sara said, winking at Leonie.

“Oh do tell,” Leonie said.

“Well I heard from Luisa-”

“Holy shit!” Leonie exclaimed, “is that Matteo?”

David’s head snapped up far quicker than he was proud of. He blinked hard, watching as Matteo Florenzi made his way across the campus courtyard. He looked completely different and yet exactly the same. He wore the same grandpa style sweater as before, but now it wasn’t oversized, it fit him almost snugly. The baggy jeans were gone too, replaced with proper fitting pants. It seemed someone had taught him to dress himself. 

But his posture was the same, David recognised it, head down, staring at his feet, not making eye contact with anyone as he shuffled across the grass. David had to hold himself back, he was conflicted. Half of him wanted to run across the lawn, pull Matteo into his arms and kiss him senseless, apologise for all those shitty messages he’d sent. But another part of him wanted to hide, run away, avoid him.

“Damn I wanted to break the news,” Sara said, pouting, “but yeah apparently he’s back.”

“Wow, he looks… wow...” Leonie trailed off staring across at him.

“Hey!” Sara muttered, reaching across to smack her girlfriend,

David had to agree with Leonie though, Matteo looked good. He always did to David, and perhaps it was because he hadn't seen him in so long but David couldn’t stop staring. His hair was blonder and a little too long, and his skin was tanned, as if he’d spent a lot of time in the sun. The way his clothes fit now, implied he’d built up muscle, and David couldn’t tell from where he sat but he wouldn’t be surprised if he were taller now.

“I just mean… he’s all grown up,” Leonie muttered, “I just can’t believe it.”

David knew that Leonie had known Matteo a long time, their relationship had been a strange one, but she watched him fondly now.

“I wonder why he’s back now?” Sara wondered.

“To study I guess,” Leonie said.

“Where did he even go? He just upped and disappeared,” Sara said.

“He went to Italy,” David whispered.

Leonie looked at him, a worried expression on her face. She knew a lot more of the story than Sara, she had kept her promise to David and not told her what had happened between the two boys. Not that David knew much more than her.

Sara stood up.

“Right I’m going to go find Kiki,” she said, determinedly. 

“Kiki?” Leonie asked.

“She’ll know whats going on,” Sara said, trying to stare after Matteo, but he was gone.

“Fair,” Leonie said, nodding.

They all knew it was true. Sara kissed Leonie goodbye and swanned off, leaving Leonie laughing in her wake.

“She just has to know everything,” Leonie said.

“You’re not much better,” David said quietly.

He felt shell-shocked, two years… it had been two years since he’d laid eyes on Matteo and now suddenly he was back without a word. Although why would he tell David he was coming back, after how they left things?

“True, but I’ll leave this one alone. Sara might be able to get you all the hot info on your boy though,” Leonie said.

“He’s not my boy,” David muttered, running a hand through his hair.

“Wow,” Leonie said, grinning at him.

“Wow?”

“I can’t believe after all this time, it’s still him,” Leonie said, smiling.

There was no point lying to her. She would see right through him anyway.

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“Are you going-”

“No. Absolutely not,” he insisted, shaking his head.

“So you’re just going to avoid him?” Leonie asked.

“It won’t be hard, I don’t even go here,” David argued.

“What happened David?”

“I already told you,” David muttered.

“You told me that you had a brief thing, you got scared, pulled away, and then before you could tell him how you felt, before you could tell him you were trans he was gone,” Leonie said.

“That’s all there is,” David said.

“But why did he leave?” She asked.

“I don’t know… Hans said it was something to do with his dad, that he had to go away for a while,” he explained.

“Jonas wouldn’t tell me anything, but he was upset,” Leonie said.

“Yeah well I couldn’t exactly ask Jonas, I have no idea what Matteo told him,” David said sighing.

He kept glancing up at the other students, as if he could catch another glimpse of Matteo.

“Did he leave because of you?” Leonie asked.

She nudged his shoulder gently.

“No… yeah…. I don’t know. I panicked remember? I sent him those stupid texts, I didn’t mean them,” he whispered.

Leonie wrapped an arm around him. 

“You were scared,” she said gently.

“Yeah,” David said.

David pulled out his phone and opened up the chat between Matteo and himself. He still opened it every now and then. He was sure Matteo had him blocked now, his last few messages had gone unanswered.

_ 2130 Friday 12th April 2019 _

_ Hey - I think it all went a bit fast somehow. I need some time. Don’t be angry. _

_ Please leave me alone I’m not into you. _

_ 1114 Saturday 4th May 2019 _

_ Hey David, I hope you’re ok. I saw the video in the abi prank chat group. I’m sorry that happened to you, I’m sorry that you were outed like that and that your PE teacher was so shitty. I hope I never said anything to upset you, I know I do that alot. Don’t let this stop you David. I know you’ll be ok, you’re the coolest boy I know.    
Matteo _

_ 2114 Thursday 9th May 2019 _

_ Thank you _

_ 2032 Friday 17th May 2019 _

_ Are you ever coming back? I spoke to Hans he said you’re in Italy _

_ 1347 Saturday 18th May 2019 _

_ Hans said you were ill, hope you feel better soon _

_ 0913 Thursday 23rd May 2019  _

_ I guess you’re not coming back anytime soon, I should stop bothering Hans _

_ 1758 Friday 14th June 2019 _

_ I’m sorry for those messages _

_ I miss you _

That was the last time he tried contacting Matteo. David had always assumed that Matteo had blocked him after the last message he’d sent him. So he’d given up, tried to forget all about Matteo, but it hadn’t worked well. 

And now he was back. It was the second week of his third year of university and David was screwed.


	2. the truth comes out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo stared him a moment more before turning back to where he’d been looking before.
> 
> That was underwhelming David thought. He supposed he deserved the cold shoulder. After all Matteo would just be returning the favour. That settled that he supposed.

True to his word David tried his best to avoid Matteo, like he’d suspected it wasn’t hard, they were at different schools, and they had different social circles. In fact he hadn’t had to avoid Matteo at all, the boy was like a ghost. Since that day in the courtyard, David hadn’t seen so much of a glimpse of him, even though he’d been back to meet Leonie and Sara several times since. Not that he was looking for him of course. Only to try and avoid running into him.

He’d gone to his classes, socialised with his friends, worked on his various projects because third year was a huge jump in workload. He had refused to bring up Matteo again, and for some reason, whatever Sara had found out, she was keeping it to herself. Even Leonie didn’t know what she knew, she said it was something but Sara was keeping quiet. And she knew better than to keep bringing it up around David.

Of course it would be when his guard was down that he would run into Matteo. He was at a party, for some theatre friends of Sara’s. Sara for some reason had gotten absolutely wasted, like a throwback to high school. David didn’t know what was going on with her, she’d been upset all week, but refused to talk about it. He’d left her with Leonie and gone to dance. And he’d had fun dancing with the theatre kids, they were loud, boisterous and fun. 

Perhaps Leonie was right, he should be moving on. After all, it had been two years, without a word from Matteo, just because he was back didn’t mean he’d want anything to do with David. He’d probably forgotten all about him.

David danced and danced until he got to hot, until he started overheating and no amount of pulling at his shirt or subtly tugging at his binder was going to cool him down. He needed to step outside for a moment, before he melted. 

He stepped outside to cool off slightly and there was Matteo, sat against the wall, staring into space. His hood was up and his hair covered his face. All he needed was a joint in his mouth and it would have been exactly the same as before.

Matteo didn’t even look up when David stepped out, he could still get out of there, he just needed to turn around, to go back through the door. But he didn’t want to. Partly because he was overheated, uncomfortable and sweating through his shirt. But mostly because he wanted to talk to Matteo. He wiped his hand across his face, and shook his shirt slightly to air it out. He couldn’t wait for winter.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

Matteo startled, and slipped slightly where he was sitting, before turning to face him. He frowned slightly and again David wondered if he even remembered him. Matteo stared him a moment more before turning back to where he’d been looking before.

That was underwhelming David thought. He supposed he deserved the cold shoulder. After all Matteo would just be returning the favour. That settled that he supposed.

He was about to turn away go back in, sweaty students be damned, if it was too hot, he would just go home. But then he noticed the pace of Matteo’s breathing. It was fast, shallow, almost gasping. His hands in his lap were shaking. Matteo glanced at him again and this time David noticed the desperation in his eyes.

He was having a panic attack.

David was on him immediately, their awkward history be damned. He couldn’t bear to see him like this. He grabbed Matteo’s hands in his own. Squeezed them tightly then placed them against his chest. Forgetting all about the dampness of his shirt, forgetting that Matteo would probably feel the binder underneath. He began to breathe in a slow and exaggerated fashion. It took a while but eventually Matteo began to match his breaths.

When he was sure that Matteo’s breathing was under control David released his hands. Matteo’s hands lingered against his chest for a few more moments, before he slowly pulled them away.

“Er… thanks I guess,” Matteo said.

“No problem,” David said, “you ok?” he said, shifting from his knees so that he was sat next to Matteo.

“Never really been one for parties,” Matteo mumbled.

He scrubbed his hands over his face, David watched him. He looked exhausted. Despite the mild autumn air, he was in another fluffy sweater, with the sleeves pulled down over his hands. Over the top of that he wore a thick grey hoodie. There was David sweating away beside him, while Matteo shivered.

“Are you cold?” David asked, nodding to his hands, wishing he had a jacket to offer him.

Matteo’s eyes widened slightly and he pulled at his sleeves again. He shrugged but didn’t speak.

“I’m really hot,” David said. “I mean like sweaty hot, not  _ hot _ hot. I mean… fuck. It was hot inside so that’s why I came out here,” he tried to explain.

What the fuck was wrong with him? He remembered when he used to be able to play it cool around Matteo. Matteo just stared at him, but his lips turned up slightly, like he was amused.

“I’m just surprised you can wear a sweater is all,” David said.

“I’ve been in Italy,” Matteo said, his voice low and gentle, just like David remembered.

David almost closed his eyes when he heard him speak. But that would be weird.

“That’s true, did you have fun? How come you’re back?”

Matteo shrugged.

“I missed you,” David said.

He wanted to slap himself.

“Really?” Matteo whispered. “Why?”

“I… Matteo… I-”

He didn’t even know what he was going to say but it didn’t matter because at that moment they were interrupted as Sara and Leonie burst through the door giggling, they didn’t notice the two boys at first too caught up in each other.

“Oh my god! Matteo!” Sara exclaimed when she saw him.

“Sorry she’s a bit drunk,” Leonie said, holding Sara back.

“You’re back!” she shouted.

David felt Matteo flinch beside him.

“I’m back,” he whispered.

Leonie let go of Sara and let her wobble over to Matteo. She fell down heavily in front of him and Matteo reached out to steady her.

“Where did you go?” Sara demanded.

“Italy,” he said.

“Why?”

“Sara,” Leonie warned.

“Why did you go to Italy?” Sara demanded again.

David knew he should stop her but he didn't because he wanted to know too.

“I wasn’t well,” Matteo said quietly, staring down at his hands.

David wanted to reach out and hug him, he seemed lost. He knew he should stop Sara, get Matteo out of here, get him somewhere safe, but he was frozen. Everything felt tense, like something was about to snap.

“Wasn’t well how?” Sara pushed.

Matteo shrugged, David wanted to put a stop to this, wanted Leonie to take Sara away, wanted to take Matteo away from this conversation that was clearly making him uncomfortable.

“What was wrong with you?” Sara asked.

“Let’s go Sara,” Leonie said, clearly reading Matteo’s discomfort.

“No I want to know why Matteo left? He just disappeared, no one would tell me where you went. I’m sorry Matteo for what I posted on instagram, I was stupid and angry. I’m sorry if it was my fault, I’m so sorry.”

Sara was crying now, tears streaming down her face, shoulders shaking. 

“Sara?” Leonie said, reaching out to her.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Matteo said quietly

David was so confused, he had no idea what was going on. But it was clear that Sara knew more about what had gone on than David. He wondered if she’d known all along, or if it was information she gathered from Kiki.

“What wasn’t your fault?” David asked her.

“He tried to kill himself,” Sara said, sniffling.

David winced.

Matteo just sighed, and pulled his hood further over his face. He looked over at them for a moment, but David wasn’t sure if he could even see them. Then he stood up and walked away from them without a word.

“Shit,” Leonie muttered. “Sara what the hell?”

“Kiki told me that’s why he was sent away, because he tried-”

“Stop it! Stop it!” David yelled. 

He didn’t want to hear it, he couldn’t bear it. Matteo had said it wasn’t Sara’s fault. Was it his?

They were interrupted by Jonas and Abdi, bursting through the door.

“Have you seen Matteo?” he asked, a little frantic.

He was clearly a little drunk.

“He just left,” David told him.

“Shit,” Jonas said, he made to leave but then turned back.

“Did you say something to him?”

“No I-”

“Come on Jonas, let’s go,” Abdi said, pulling him away, but not before Jonas could stare him down a moment longer.

When they’d gone David stood up and he walked away in the direction Matteo had left, but Matteo was long gone.


	3. found you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wanted to say sorry,” David said.
> 
> “Sorry?”
> 
> “Just if it was my fault, what happened with you. If it was because of the texts I sent, if they caused you to-”
> 
> “Stop stop stop,” Matteo whispered. 
> 
> He grabbed his shoulder, then pulled back, staring at his hand, blinking slowly.
> 
> “No David, it wasn’t your fault,” he whispered, shaking his head, frowning as he figured out what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote the next chapter for this story and a lot had to be said and it ended up really long. So I've split it in two, the first half is a bit on the shorter side, the second half is longer. I've been posting updates for this on Fridays but I didn't want to wait a week between updates, so this one is early and the second half will be up on Friday.

After the party David didn't see Matteo all week. But this time he wasn’t avoiding him, he was trying to find him. He’d gone to the university campus where Leonie studied everyday, trying to see him. He was worried about him, he’d seemed so upset with what Sara had said. David didn’t even know if what she’d said was true. But if it was, having it thrown at him at a party by his drunken ex-girlfriend couldn’t have been fun for him.

The longer time went on without speaking to Matteo the more things seemed to spiral, David had managed to convince himself that it wasn’t Sara’s fault but his own. He began to fixate on those text messages he’d sent to Matteo. He read them over and over again. He’d known it would upset him, of course it would. Had he been the one to push him over the edge? David couldn’t bear it. How could he have been so harsh? He desperately wanted to speak to Matteo, but at the same time he was afraid of what he might find out when they did speak.

It was having a major effect on his life, he was distracted from his school work, he was ignoring his friends, and he was barely talking to Laura and he knew it was worrying her.The night before he’d finally worked up the courage to talk to her her last night, after she’d asked him what was wrong for probably the tenth time that week.

_“David what is going on with you?” Laura asked him as she watched him pacing the living room, he was close to tearing his hair out. _

_It had been another wasted day, as if Matteo was a ghost. David was starting to wonder if he’d even come back at all. He had decided that if he didn’t find Matteo soon he would have to speak to Jonas, he was trying to figure out how to approach him, knowing that the other boy didn't like him very much. _

_But would he even tell him where Matteo was? He would probably want David to stay away. Maybe he could speak to Abdi, he might help, or Carlos. David had quietly stalked all three of them over the years, for any glimpse of Matteo, but there had never been anything._

_“Don’t say nothing,” Laura said, pulling him out of his thoughts._

_“Matteo’s back,” David admitted, leaning heavily against the wall, facing her._

_“Ah, so you’re pining?” Laura said, smirking at him._

_David closed his eyes._

_“I know you never got over him, so what are you going to do about it?” She demanded._

_“Nothing,” David whispered._

_“Nothing?” She asked, incredulous. “You finally get a second chance, and you're not going to do-”_

_“He tried to kill himself,” David blurted out, “It’s why he left- shit,” he whispered._

_Laura stared at him, eyes wide, clearly not knowing what to say._

_He probably shouldn’t have even told her that, it wasn’t his story to tell, but he needed her help. She would know what to do._

_ “Laura I think it was my fault-” _

_“David no-”_

_“I sent those awful texts, I was so cold to him and he-”_

_“You don’t know that,” Laura said, standing up and walking over to him._

_She pressed her hands into his shoulders, holding him in place._

_“But it was right after the messages,” David argued._

_“Did he tell you why he did it?” she asked._

_“No I- Sara told me, or asked him about it, but he got upset and left,” David explained._

_“Have you spoken to him since?” she asked._

_“I can’t find him,” David told her._

_“You will. Find him and talk to him. Let him tell you his story, the only person who can explain what happened is Matteo,” she said sadly._

So that’s what David was trying to do, but it was easier said than done. He was hanging out in the courtyard where he’d first seen Matteo, even though he had no reason to be there. He scanned the crowds, looking for the familiar face. He’d been there every day that week, even when he wasn’t meeting Leonie or Sara, spent hours just watching, waiting for a glimpse of Matteo.

“Looking for someone?” Matteo asked, sitting down heavily beside him.

“Shit!” 

David jumped, caught out.

“Hey,” Matteo said.

“You, I was looking for you,” David admitted.

“Oh?”

Matteo looked both surprised and confused. Now that David had found him, or rather now that Matteo had found David he didn’t know what to say. So he decided to start with an apology.

“I wanted to say sorry,” David said.

“Sorry?”

“Just if it was my fault, what happened with you. If it was because of the texts I sent, if they caused you to-”

“Stop stop stop,” Matteo whispered.

He grabbed his shoulder, then pulled back, staring at his hand, blinking slowly.

“No David, it wasn’t your fault,” he whispered, shaking his head, frowning as he figured out what to say.

But David just couldn’t believe him, he’d convinced himself now, there was no other explanation.

“But I sent them and then you- you- you-”

He couldn’t even bring himself to say it.

“David?” Matteo said.

He pushed against David’s shoulder, until he turned to face him. They sat opposite each other.

“Yeah?”

“I have depression. Persistent depressive disorder. I’ve had it since I was fourteen, according to my doctors. When you met me, I was in the middle of an episode or something, I don’t even think you can call something that lasts that long an episode. But it’d been a fucking long year. And no offence but you were fantastic distraction, but… it didn’t change anything really. I… I tried to kill myself because I just couldn’t bear being alive any more,” Matteo told him.

“But if I hadn’t sent those texts, if I hadn’t pushed you away,” David tried.

“I doubt it would have made any difference, or I dunno it would have taken longer but I’m pretty sure what happened was inevitable, I'd been thinking about it a long time,” Matteo said.

David noticed him pull on the sleeves of his sweater and he was starting to get a horrible idea as to why.

“What did happen?” David asked.

Matteo looked at his phone, checking the time.

“It’s a long story,” he said quietly.

“I have time,” David offered.

“I don’t… er sorry… I can’t skip class. If I miss one lecture then it’ll be another and then I’ll be exactly where I was,” Matteo said.

David doubted that was true, but he didn’t want to push.

“Oh, yeah then I guess you’d better go,” David said.

Matteo nodded and stood up. David stood up too, his fingers itching to reach out and hold Matteo back.

“We can meet up after?” Matteo offered, somehow he sounded both unsure and determined.

“Yeah,” David agreed, nodding enthusiastically.

Matteo smiled at him, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m staying back with Hans again, if you wanted to come by? You remember where?” he said.

“Er… yeah,” David said.

“Ok how about around six tonight?” Matteo asked.

“Yes I’ll be there,” David said.

He watched Matteo walk into the building and then sat back down, trying to process what he’d just learnt. So Matteo didn’t seem to blame him, wasn’t angry at him at all. 

Now he was confused. The past two years he’d been convinced he’d driven Matteo away, so it wasn’t that far of a reach to blame himself for his attempt. But there was more to it, obviously. And Laura was right, he needed to hear Matteo’s story, and stop jumping to conclusions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments are much appreciated, and if you want to hmu with questions or prompts I'm on tumblr [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	4. it was never your fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So I pushed and you reacted, you panicked,” Matteo said.
> 
> And that was true, that was exactly what had happened. David had never meant any of it, had wanted to take it back immediately. But it was too late now he realised. They would never move forward if he kept dwelling on it.

He was late meeting Matteo. Well actually he’d been on time, but he’d ended up pacing around outside Matteo’s apartment building for half an hour. He desperately wanted to go in, speak with Matteo, but he knew that it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation, and he was still afraid.

He was nervous, because perhaps Matteo believed it wasn’t David’s fault when it was, what if Matteo was just blaming himself? And David’s actions had triggered him.

He knew he was spiralling but he didn’t know how to snap out of it, so he just kept pacing.

“Can I help you?”

David looked up from his feet, Hans was standing by the apartment door, watching him, with an amused frown on his face. He was dressed up, obviously about to go out.

“Matteo,” David blurted out.

“Matteo,” Hans repeated, smirking, “are you a gentleman caller?”

“No! Yes! I mean no, I need to see Matteo,” David rambled.

“Yeah he’s waiting for you, you’re late,” Hans said, tapping his watch.

“Sorry,” David mumbled.

“Not me you need to apologise to,” Hans said.

“True.”

“Anyway _ I _ have a date, please don’t keep my little butterfly waiting,” Hans said.

David nodded, took a deep breath and headed up to the apartment, squeezing past Hans. Hans didn’t seem mad with him, like David would’ve thought. After all he was very protective of Matteo, he wondered what he knew, what Matteo had told him.

David reached the apartment and knocked on the door. After a few minutes the door swung open.

“Hans if you’ve forgotten your keys-” Matteo stopped when he realised it was David at the door, “oh er… hey,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

He frowned and stepped aside, allowing David into the apartment.

“I kind of figured you weren’t coming,” Matteo said.

“I’ve been outside for half an hour,” David admitted.

Matteo blinked at him.

“Did you buzz? Or you could’ve texted,” he said.

“No I was just panicking. Don't you have my number blocked?” David said.

“Er… no?”

Matteo ran his hand through his hair, pushing it until it covered his face. He seemed flustered. 

“The only person I have blocked is my dad,” he said, “and that depends on the day.”

Matteo gestured to one of the sofas and then flopped down on the opposite one. He laid down so he was staring up at the ceiling.

David sat down.

“How were your classes?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged. 

“Boring,” he said, “or not boring, I just… sometimes I struggle with focussing,” he clarified.

David nodded.

“So I suppose we should talk,” Matteo said.

“Yeah,” David said, he placed his hands on his knees, scratching them slightly, pulling at the loose threads there.

“I’m sorry for how you found out at the party. I didn’t realise anyone else knew, like I guess Kiki found out from Hanna or… I don’t know…” he trailed off, still staring at the ceiling.

“But er… it was never really anything to do with you, like I said I was depressed, and what happened had been building for a long time. So obviously the texts you sent were kinda mean but I didn’t try to kill myself because of them,” he said, fiddling with his sleeves.

“Why did you?” David asked.

He wished Matteo would look at him. He wished he was sitting over on the same sofa, but he didn’t want to push.

“I was alone, I stopped talking to anyone, locked myself in my room and refused to speak to Jonas or Amira or Hans. When I get like that I need to talk to people before I spiral but this time I refused, I screamed at everyone to leave me alone. I think because I was refusing to deal with what happened between us and what-”

“So it was my fault,” David said.

“No because there was also what happened at home, with my mama and papa, that was a whole fucking thing. And I was fucking traumatised although I didn’t realise it, like I just thought it was normal to freak out over loud noises and slamming doors. Anyway, I just couldn’t see any way of things getting better. I’d been sad for so long that I couldn't even face another day, because that was my life, that was all it was going to be. You showed me what I was missing and then when it was all taken away again then I couldn’t bear it, it was like my depression was multiplied by a thousand,” he explained.

David got up from his couch and crossed the room to Matteo. He grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him upright.

“Matteo how is this not my fault? I drove you to it-”

“No you didn’t,” Matteo said, his eyes were slightly unfocused. 

David pulling him upright seemed to startle him and he was struggling to pull himself out of his head. David could tell it was difficult but he had to know, he had to push.

“You literally just said-”

“David even if it were the texts that made me do it, even if you’d been even shittier about it all, it still wouldn’t have been your fault, you didn’t know what was going on with me, you were not responsible for my mental health,” Matteo explained.

“But I hurt you. I was scared and stupid and I hurt you,” David said.

“Yeah you did hurt me, but like you said, you were scared,” Matteo said.

“I’m so sorry,” David whispered, he tried to rub away the tears, but he couldn’t stop them falling.

Matteo sighed, David sat down next to him.

“My memory is a bit fucked, but I’m pretty sure you asked for space and I didn’t listen,” Matteo said.

“Yeah but-”

“So I pushed and you reacted, you panicked,” Matteo said.

And that was true, that was exactly what had happened. David had never meant any of it, had wanted to take it back immediately. But it was too late now he realised. They would never move forward if he kept dwelling on it.

“How are you doing now?” David asked.

“Better, it’s been a long journey. And it’s been a hell of an adjustment coming back. But I’ve got a new therapist here and I’m settling ok. It’s a lot though, being around so many people again,” Matteo explained.

“Why did you come back?” David asked.

“My nonna was getting fed up of me,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

Matteo tugged at his sleeves. Cautiously David reached out and gently took hold of his hands, careful not to touch his wrists or pull the sleeves. Matteo shivered but didn’t pull away.

“When I… when I hurt myself... Hans took me to the hospital and they called my father, Hans tried to stop them but they wouldn't listen. He came back and practically dragged me to Rome. I was there for maybe a month, not getting any better and then my grandmother found out. She came and got me, took me back to her farmhouse in Barga, I’ve been there ever since.”

“Did it help?” David asked.

“She made me see a doctor. Papa was just trying to get me to snap out of it, he doesn’t believe in depression, or thinks it’s just something you get over. But nonna is smart. She made me get help, she made me help myself. She made me work everyday and keep a structure to my day. It took over a year but one day I woke up and realised I was happy with myself for the first time in about six years,” he said.

“So she kicked you out?” David asked.

“Nah she made me apply for school, told me I was too smart to be a farmer,” Matteo said.

“I can see you as a farmer,” David said, nudging his shoulder against Matteo’s.

“It’s not a bad life, and if I fail all my exams I can always go back,” Matteo said, shrugging.

“You won’t fail,” David said.

“Nah I know. I get special credits because I’m mentally ill,” he said darkly.

“That’s not why, Matteo your grandmother is right, you are smart, you’ve got this,” David said.

Matteo smiled sadly.

“You don’t know that David, you don’t really know me at all,” he said.

“I remember that you set up a switch emulator on your pc, I know how hard that is,” David said. “But I would like to know you better Matteo, more than anything,” he admitted.

Matteo stared at him for a moment.

“Why?”

“I never wanted to push you away, I was scared, you know why don’t you?”

“Because you didn’t know how to tell me you were trans?” Matteo guessed.

“All I wanted was a bit more time, but not this much,” David said, laughing darkly, “I really wanted to tell you so badly.”

“You got time then I guess, I’m sorry that I pushed you, and that you never got to tell me yourself. I don’t know how I would’ve been, I probably would’ve said the wrong thing, scared you away. But I don’t… it… you been trans wouldn’t have changed anything for me. I know this, I’ve had time to think about it, and if things were different, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. No it would have mattered, but not as a bad thing? Does that make sense?”

David nodded. If things were different. That was a thought that had cycled round his head over and over. If things were different. Did that mean Matteo thought it was too late? That he’d written off the thought of anything ever happening between them? David supposed he’d been kidding himself all this time, that Matteo had probably moved on by now.

“If things were different?” he asked, not daring to look at Matteo, not quite ready to be crushed. “Did you ever… did you meet anyone in Italy?” he asked, because apparently he was into torturing himself now.

Matteo snorted.

“David I was working on a farm in the middle of nowhere, _ and _ I was focussing on getting better,” he told him.

David looked up now, smiling hopefully and the incredulous expression on Matteo’s face.

“And now?”

“I dunno, it’s not a good idea is it? I’m still not well you know? And I never will be. I’d just be a burden on anyone I tried to date, it’s better if I don’t bother,” he said.

“No that’s not true,” David argued.

How could Matteo even think like that? How could he think so little of himself? David didn’t care how difficult things would be if they were together, he’d been waiting years to see Matteo again. He knew how ridiculous it was, how little time they’d actually spent together, but he’d never connected with anyone like that before, and he hadn’t since. Matteo was special, and now that he was back David didn’t plan on letting him walk out of his life again. He would show Matteo just how good he was.

Matteo just rolled his eyes.

“David-”

“Matteo. Those texts I sent, I was panicking because I knew I needed to tell you the truth. I needed to tell you I was trans but I wasn’t ready. I already liked you so much, I needed to tell you despite the risk. I needed you to know all of me… Matteo I still like you so much. But I understand if you hate me,” David said.

“I never hated you,” Matteo said.

“I… never?”

“Of course not, David I already told you, you did nothing wrong,” Matteo said.

“I sent those-”

“Stop with the fucking texts,” Matteo said, pulling his hands back to run them through his hair.

He was getting frustrated with him David could tell. They were going round in circles. Matteo was obviously over the texts, that much was clear. So maybe it was time to let them go. He’d been fixated on it for so long he didn’t know how to do that. 

“I wish I'd never sent them,” he said, before he let it go he needed Matteo to know that.

“I know ok? Please stop feeling so guilty,” Matteo said. “Give me your phone,” he said.

David frowned but handed it over when Matteo held out his hand.

Matteo took it and clicked the screen a few times.

“There, let it go,” he said handing it back.

Matteo had deleted the messages.

“I’ll try,” David promised.

Matteo sighed, leaning back against the back of the sofa, he looked exhausted, David understood how he felt. It had been an exhausting conversation. David still felt guilty about what had gone down between them, but for the first time in two years he was starting to feel better about it. It was something he’d carried now for a long time, and it wouldn’t just go away, but he still felt hopeful. He believed Matteo when he said it wasn’t his fault, he would try his best to let this go. It would be unfair and dismissive not to listen to him

Suddenly Matteo turned to him.

“Wanna make sandwiches?” he said, grinning, it was a small smile but it was real.

David nodded, Matteo stood up and held out his hand, David allowed him to pull him up and lead him to the kitchen. When they got there Matteo tried to pull away to open the fridge, but David just couldn’t let go, he held tightly to his hand.

“Matteo,” he whispered, trying to pull him closer.

Matteo shook his head. 

“I can’t,” he whispered, “I’m scared,” he admitted.

David watched him for a moment and then let go of his hand. Matteo smiled nervously and opened the fridge. David reached across him and grabbed the bread from the bread bin. He laid out the slices, and took the cheese Matteo offered him.

“I don’t have any whipped cream,” Matteo said softly.

“Ketchup?”

Matteo nodded and handed it over, grabbing the mustard too.

“Got any pickles?” David asked.

Matteo laughed softly and David almost dropped the jar when he handed it over, fumbling with it. He couldn’t help but stare. He’d missed him so much. He couldn’t believe he’d never tried to contact him until now. 

But he knew it was for the best, Matteo had needed to get better, he’d needed the time and distance.

David began to construct the sandwiches, Matteo reaching over and correcting him when he didn’t approve. Then he handed them over for Matteo to toast.

David didn’t say anything while they toasted, just stood there, staring at Matteo, completely unashamed. Matteo just stood slightly awkwardly, blushing under David’s gaze. 

“Shame it’s missing the whipped cream,” David said, when Matteo handed him his sandwich.

Matteo just laughed and smiled at him. David couldn’t bear it any longer. He placed his sandwich down on the counter and took Matteo’s straight out of his hands, placing it next to his own. Matteo frowned at him, eyes widening as David stepped closer. He knew he had to be careful, knew Matteo’s doubts and why he was afraid. He was willing to go as slow as Matteo needed.

“I know you’re scared, and I know it’s partly my fault,” he said.

“It’s not a good idea David,” Matteo whispered, but he didn’t move back when David took another step closer.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m better but I’m still fucked up, you deserve more-”

“Please don’t tell me what I deserve. I want you, I never stopped wanting you Matteo,” David said.

“I can’t,” Matteo whispered, refusing to raise his head, looking down at his feet.

David took one more step closer and then their feet were touching. He stood there waiting, he had to let Matteo decide. Suddenly Matteo fell forward but David raised his arms to wrap around him, to catch him. Holding him tight, so tight he probably couldn’t breathe properly but Matteo didn’t pull away. They just stood there in the middle of the kitchen, clinging to each other, swaying ever so slightly, sandwiches forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just forget about the texts David! 
> 
> I was a little worried it would seem too fixated on them, but David's had two years thinking about the last things he said to Matteo, so when he heard what happened it was a pretty easy spiral to fall into. But literally no one's blaming him but himself. It's time for them both to heal now.  
Hope you like it, new chapter should be up next Friday.  
Let me know what you think or if you just want to scream about druck i'm [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	5. we're going to be ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo seemed so hesitant, so unsure, David knew he had to leave it up to him. It was important to let him make his own choices.

David couldn’t help feeling deja vu. Here he was in Matteo’s bed, Matteo asleep on top of him, cuddled tight against him. David stroked his hair out of his face. Matteo started to shuffle slightly in his sleep and David held him closer, trying not to wake him. He just wanted to hold onto the moment a little longer. 

They laid like that in silence for a while until Matteo finally stretched and blinked awake. He groaned and sat up, frowning as he looked over at David, obviously trying to figure out what he was doing there.

“Morning,” David said, sitting up too.

“Morning er… what are you doing here?” Matteo asked, voice croaky from sleep.

He seemed a little out of it, disoriented, but he had just woken up.

David shifted guiltily. Last night Matteo had practically fallen asleep against him as they stood there in the kitchen. He was clearly exhausted by the emotional conversation they’d had, David was too. So he had guided him to his room and helped him to bed, but he couldn’t bear to leave him, so he’d stayed.

“I er… I didn’t want you to wake up alone,” he said.

“Oh,” Matteo murmured.

“Sorry,” David said.

“No it’s nice, just er…” Matteo ran his hand over his face, “not used to it I guess. Man I feel so rested.”

He fell back down and stretched again, David laid back down too, on his side facing him.

“That’s good.” 

He wanted to reach out to Matteo, pull him close again, but didn’t want to overstep. 

Matteo seemed so hesitant, so unsure, David knew he had to leave it up to him. It was important to let him make his own choices.

Matteo stretched again and yawned.

“Do you want to go back to sleep?”

Matteo reached over and looked at his phone, he frowned.

“Er… I can’t I have to be somewhere in a bit,” he said, not elaborating further.

“Oh ok,” David said.

Matteo slowly stood up from the bed, looking around the room, looking for clothes. David realised he was probably overstaying his welcome. 

He stood up too, and turned to Matteo. 

“Could I use the bathroom quickly? I need to er…” he gestured aimlessly.

Matteo just nodded, still dazed. 

David grabbed his binder from where he’d hung it over the chair. He’d gotten a lot better at taking care of himself these days, although he’d still argued with himself last night. But Matteo knew now, and he’d been dead to the world as soon as he’d laid down anyway. Last time he’d stayed over his ribs had hurt for days, he wasn’t going to do that again.

He pulled at his t-shirt to sniff it. It wasn’t too bad, he was only going home anyway. Matteo watched what he was doing, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m just going to change,” David said.

He was about to shuffle out of the room, when Matteo handed him a clean t-shirt. It was soft and maroon in colour. David smiled, it would be much better to change into clean clothes. He took it and headed to the bathroom.

He changed quickly in the bathroom, splashed his face and tried to tame his hair. When he came back out he found Matteo in the kitchen clearing up from the night before. 

“Do you need a hand?” he asked, not wanting to leave yet.

Matteo shook his head. David sighed, feeling a little unwanted at the silence. He was about to turn and leave, when Matteo pressed a cup of coffee into his hand, smiling weakly.

“Thanks,” David choked out, sitting down at the kitchen table instead.

Matteo poured another cup and sat down beside him. He was smiling and didn’t seem upset that David was there.

David realised he wasn’t being hostile, wasn’t brushing him off. He was just this quiet. David remembered this, remembered how their few conversations went, David doing most of the talking. But that Matteo would speak, when he had something to say, because David would wait, listen to him.

“So er… where do you have to be today?” he asked, sipping his coffee.

“Therapy,” Matteo said.

“Ah, you don’t seem all that excited,” David said.

“It’s just a lot,” Matteo mumbled.

David understood, he’d seen his own therapists. Even though he’d felt it was just jumping through hoops to get what he needed, he still knew how it felt. How much it took out of you talking through all your fears and worries with a stranger.

“Is your therapist nice?”

Matteo nodded.

David was about to ask what time the appointment was when he realised perhaps Matteo wanted to save his energy for his appointment. Instead he scooted closer to Matteo, who got the hint and rested his head on David’s shoulder. He placed his phone face up on the table in front of them and David could see from the reminder that they had about an hour until Matteo’s appointment. He nodded and then laid his head on Matteo’s, wrapping his arm around his waist. He was happy to just sit there in silence with him, just holding him close.

David didn’t hear from Matteo again all week. Despite the fact that Matteo had assured him he hadn’t blocked his number, he wasn’t responding to David's texts. He looked down at the chat window he had with Matteo.

_0826 Monday 11th October 2021_

Hey Matteo hope you had a good weekend, I had fun on friday.

If you’re free do you want to hang out sometime?

_1642 Thursday 14th October 2021_

Hey haven’t heard from you in a few days, hope you’re ok?

_1033 Friday 15th October 2021_

Hey Matteo hope you’ve had a good week :)

David cringed, could he be any more desperate? But he was desperate, desperate to see Matteo again, it had been six days and he missed Matteo more than ever, more than he did when he was in Italy. He needed to fix things between them. And even if Matteo didn’t want him in that way anymore, perhaps they could just be friends. All David knew was that he needed Matteo in his life, he’d gone two years without him, he couldn’t do that again.

He sighed and opened up the chat again.

_1451 Friday 15th October 2021_

Hey Matteo, sorry if I’m bothering you, you can tell me to stop texting if you like, just could you let me know you’re ok?

He closed the chat window and pocketed his phone, before heading into his lecture.

As he sat down David thought about how lonely he felt. He shouldn’t be, he had friends here, who loved him. But spending the night at Matteo’s, with him safe in his arms again, all it had done was make him feel more alone, when he’d finally had to leave. But David knew he could talk to Leonie, or Laura , or Sara, or any of his friends. So why did he feel this way?

Because there was only one person he wanted to talk to right now.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, David grabbed it and opened up a new text from Matteo.

_Sorry_

David frowned, a new message came through.

_I’m not doing so good, sorry for leaving you on read._

_Are you alone?_

_Linn is with me, I’m just tired._

David wondered if Matteo was having an episode, or maybe he was just down. Either way he wanted to be there for him.

_Can I come over?_

_No_

David sighed and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn't know how he made it through class, but he did. He was distracted throughout, barely listening to his lecturer even though it was his favourite class.

When it was over he said goodbye to classmates and then headed to the university to meet up with Leonie and Sara. What he really wanted to do was head straight to Matteo’s apartment. But he’d been told no, he had to respect Matteo’s decision. So instead he headed to the campus cafe they usually frequented.

He ordered a coffee and tea for Leonie and sat down in the corner, leaning against the wall.

“What’s up Schreibner? You look even mopier than usual,” Leonie said by way of greeting him, as she sat down.

David sighed, “Where’s Sara?” he asked.

“Just me today, Sara has auditions all day, no fun for her,” Leonie told him.

David shrugged. 

“Ok,” he said.

“Ok what’s wrong?” she asked, kicking him under the table.

He scowled at her. 

“Nothing,” he said.

“Is it Matteo?” she asked gently.

“Yeah,” he admitted. 

He wouldn’t look up at her, fiddling with his coffee cup instead.

“What’s going on with you two?” she asked, reaching out to still his hands.

“We talked about what happened to him before, about everything. He explained it wasn’t my fault, and it was hard but I believe him, I’m going to try and stop fixating on the past,” David explained.

Leonie nodded. 

“That’s good then. But he’s not well is he?” she asked.

“No and he’s not doing so good right now,” David admitted.

“Why don’t you go see him? Cheer him up,” she suggested.

“Because it doesn’t work like that, and he asked me not to,” David told her.

She nodded and stirred her tea, pursing her lips and thinking.

“I asked or at least I hinted that maybe we could try again,” David said.

She smiled.

“And?”

“He said no,” David said, rubbing his face.

“Oh,” she said, frowning now.

She sipped her tea slowly, waiting for him to speak.

“He said he would just be a burden. That he was never getting better and he didn't want to do that to me. Like how could he even think that? How could he think I wouldn’t want him? It’s literally all I’ve wanted for the past two years,” David said, rubbing his eyes.

He refused to cry.

“You’re in love with him, aren't you? Even now?” she asked gently.

David sniffed and closed his eyes for a moment.

“I know it's stupid ok? I know that I barely even got to know him but yeah I am. I am,” he said.

He was, he’d never said it aloud but he absolutely was in love with him those feelings hadn’t faded at all.

“It’s not stupid at all, sometimes two people just click. Sometimes they are meant to be, just embrace that yeah? Look I’ve known Matteo since we were fourteen, we were never very close. But he was sad, even then he was always so sad, even when he was acting happy. The moment Jonas stopped looking he was sad.”

“Ok?”

“But it sounds like he’s finally addressing that?” she asked.

She was being vague deliberately not pushing for information that David couldn't give her.

“Yeah he is,” David said.

“But that brings up other issues, because of his mother,” she told him.

“What about her?” he asked.

All David knew was that Matteo struggled with her, and that his father had left them both. He hadn’t elaborated further and David hadn’t asked.

“She isn’t well either, everything I know is from Jonas, and you need to speak to Matteo about this, not me, not Jonas, but him. It’s his story after all. But I will tell you this, don’t give up. He’s pushing you away because to him it probably seems inevitable,” she said.

David frowned, he didn’t know what she meant.

“Inevitable?” he asked.

“That you’ll leave,” she said.

“Because of what happened between us?”

“Because his father left his mother because he didn’t want to deal with her anymore,” she explained.

“I would never-”

“I believe you, or I believe you’d certainly try a lot harder. Matteo’s dad didn’t give a shit about either of them. I went over to his house, just once with Jonas, and it was just the most horrible thing, that’s the only time I’ve met his father and… he is not a kind man,” she said.

“It used to stress Jonas out so much, like when we were dating obviously he was distracted with cheating on me,” she said dryly.

David snorted at her tone.

“But he was also so distracted taking care of Matteo, it’s a wonder he did have anytime for me really. So basically what I'm saying is don’t give up. He’s had years to build up defences, he will push you away like he does Hanna and Jonas but he doesn’t want to, not really,” she said.

“I always thought you didn’t like him,” David said.

“I mean yeah he was shitty to Sara, and he is Jonas’ best friend and there was still history there but I don’t hate him, how could I?”

“How could anyone?” David asked.

“Exactly.”

David’s phone buzzed.

_Please come_

David was up in seconds, he almost knocked over the remains of his coffee. Leonie started laughing at his flustered state.

“Is it him?”

“Yeah I sorry- I have to go- I-”

“Go! Sort out your damn love life so that I don't have to,” she insisted.

“Yeah I-”

“Just talk to him yeah?”

“Ok. Talk. I can do that,” he said, practically running out of the cafe.


	6. we’ve got forever to be ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re David aren’t you?”
> 
> David nodded. Had Matteo told her about him?
> 
> “Ok,” she said, stepping aside and letting him in. “I think he’s sleeping, please just… please be careful with him, everything is hard for him right now,” she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story is now complete. I know it was going to be seven chapters. The plan was six chapters from David’s POV, then an epilogue from Matteo’s. But… I started writing chapter seven and it’s too long to be an epilogue, I just have so much more to say about these two in this AU and I wasn’t ready to end it yet. It’s about half done and it’s currently half the length of this fic. So… no epilogue. I will post Matteo’s POV as a companion piece to this, it should be up in the next few weeks.

David ran to Matteo’s apartment as fast as he could, it was across town, but he needed to get there. He wasn’t going to waste another minute, he made it there quicker than he thought was possible, probably looked like a madman running through the streets. Passers by moving to avoid him warily. Once he got to Matteo’s building he had to stop and lean on the gate to catch his breath. He’d made it there in record time. 

Once his heart no longer felt like it was going to explode, he went to the door and buzzed. He buzzed and buzzed until someone let him up without comment. 

When he got to the top of the stairs he found Linn waiting at the open door of the apartment. She peered at him curiously, David thought she probably didn’t know who he was. Matteo hadn’t exactly gotten the chance to introduce him to the roommates.

“Is something wrong?” She asked, standing in the doorway, barring him from the apartment.

That was fair.

“I need to see Matteo,” he insisted.

She frowned, confused.

“Matteo’s not well,” she said, shaking her head.

She stepped back into the apartment, and moved to close the door. David stepped forward stopping her.

“No I know. I… he said I could,” David said. “Look!”

He grabbed his phone, opened Matteo’s last message and showed it to her.

She read it, still frowning.

“He’s not well,” she repeated, “I don’t know…”

“Please I need to see him, I promise if he needs me to go again I will. Whatever he wants, please,” he insisted.

“You’re David aren’t you?”

David nodded. Had Matteo told her about him?

“Ok,” she said, stepping aside and letting him in. “I think he’s sleeping, please just… please be careful with him, everything is hard for him right now,” she said.

David nodded, she cared about him, Hans too. David was glad that Matteo had opened up to them, that he was no longer all alone.

“I will,” he promised.

He stepped past her and headed to Matteo’s room. He opened the door as quietly as he could. The room was dark, the curtains drawn, and all the lights switched off. The air was stale, like the windows hadn’t been opened in a while. Like Matteo had been locked in here all week. David supposed he had been.

He could make out Matteo’s form under the blankets, facing away from him. He seemed hunched in on himself, so small, vulnerable. David wanted nothing more than to get into the bed behind Matteo and hold him close, hold him tight and promise everything was going to be ok. But he didn’t know if that would be welcome or if it would even help. They hadn’t done this yet, hadn’t talked about what Matteo needed when he got like this.

So instead he carefully made his way around the bed and knelt down in front of Matteo. He wasn’t asleep, but he didn’t move or acknowledge David in any way. Just continued to stare at the drawn curtains behind him. David reached out and stroked his face, it was damp. Matteo was too hot from all the blankets, but David didn’t dare remove them, they were clearly a comfort to him. He swept Matteo’s greasy hair from his face, stroking his forehead. Matteo sighed quietly and closed his eyes. 

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey,” Matteo choked out.

David rubbed the tears from his cheeks as they started to fall.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered, “this happens sometimes.”

“Please don’t apologise, ok? This isn’t your fault,” David said gently.

“You shouldn’t have to be here, you shouldn’t have to see this,” Matteo said.

David wanted to cry, as horrible as the situation was there was nowhere he’d rather be than here with Matteo. He wished Matteo would see it that way.

“I want to be here, I want to be here with you, if you want me here then I never want to leave. But if you need me to go I will, I understand if you don’t want me here right now, and I can go and this will pass and we can talk after,” David said.

“I want… I don’t want to be alone,” Matteo whispered.

“I’m here,” David said.

“Please don’t leave… please,” Matteo begged.

“I’m here, Matteo I’m here.”

Matteo started crying harder, reaching out for him desperately. David surged forward and took him into his arms, holding him tight. He pushed Matteo back gently and climbed onto the bed, maneuvering them so they could lay together. Matteo clung to him as if he were drowning, and David was his life raft. David just held him tight, letting him cry.

Matteo was mumbling something into his shoulder, David shuffled them so he could hear it. 

“Tighter,” he muttered.

So David held tighter, he squeezed Matteo tight against him, tight enough to hurt but he finally felt Matteo relaxing, slowly his sobs began to subside, and David loosened his grip just a little to allow Matteo to breathe.

“Ok?” he whispered.

Matteo just stared at him, eyes wide and shining with tears. David just watched him until his eyes fluttered shut and his breathing evened out as he fell asleep.

David didn’t dare let go of him, couldn’t bear to, not when it felt like Matteo was about to float away from him, lost to his mind, his nightmares. David had to keep him here no matter what, protect him in whatever way he could.

Matteo only slept for a couple of hours, and it was a restless sleep at best, but when he woke up, his eyes were a little clearer, and focussed on David for the first time that night. David leant forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead, before pulling back and smiling at him. Matteo smiled back, it was small, barely there, but it was a smile.

“Hey,” David whispered.

“I’m-”

“Please don’t say sorry,” David said.

“You sound like my therapist,” Matteo mumbled.

“Your therapist is right,” David said.

He reached out and stroked Matteo’s cheek, cupping his face.

“So…”

“So?” David asked.

“I guess we should talk,” Matteo said.

David wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, Matteo was still dealing with the effects of the last emotional conversation they’d had, he wasn’t sure how much more Matteo could take.

“We don’t have to, we can wait,” he said.

“I want to. I want to talk now while my mind is clear, it’s gonna be foggy again soon, and I want to talk to you now. I wanted to talk to you on Monday when you texted me but I just couldn't I just… after… I don’t…”

This was obviously so hard for him, but David didn't know how he could make it any easier.

“Take your time,” he said.

“I have a lot to say,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” David said.

“I… I’m not good at talking a lot,” Matteo said.

“I’m listening though, whatever you want to say, I’ll listen,” David insisted.

“Ok just… give me a minute.”

Matteo rolled away and laid flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes for a moment and exhaled slowly. 

“It started on Saturday,” he said, opening his eyes again but not turning to face David.

“Not Friday?”

“Nah it was after therapy, or during therapy. I er… I told Anke about you, and we talked about what you told me and I know we kinda settled things but I felt bad that I'd made you feel that way. I felt bad but Anke explained that I shouldn’t, that feeling guilty would stop me moving forward,” Matteo said.

“She’s right. Just like what you said about the messages,” David said.

“Exactly we have to let this go I think. Both of us, what’s in the past is in the past. It happened and there's nothing we can do about it,” Matteo said.

“Ok but then why did-”

“It doesn't quite work like that though. I came away from therapy all determined. I was going to call you over, I wanted to see you again. I wanted to cook for you, and talk to you more. I really thought everything could be ok. But then I got into my head and then I started to doubt things. I started to think it would be cruel to invite you over, you'd seemed so keen-”

“I was keen, I am keen,” David said.

“Yes but don’t you see? How unfair that would be on you, having to deal with me,” Matteo said.

David hated this, hated the way Matteo clearly saw himself but he also knew that it was years of insecurities that needed to be undone, he could tell Matteo over and over that he wanted to be there, but it would take a long time to sink in. But he wouldn’t stop trying.

“Matteo-”

“Please let me finish. So I got home and I just laid down for a few minutes. I was going to text you, but then everything got heavy and I was still in bed on Monday, and I skipped class. I was still in bed on Wednesday and I wouldn't talk to Joans and I scared him and Hans is wasting all his time worrying about me. And its so fucking stupid because I’m spiralling because I like you so much. And even though its been two fucking years I want to be with you still. Even after all this time but I can't because how fucking selfish would that be? To burden you with me like that? And anyway its all fucking irrelevant because there's no way you could ever like me, not now you can see what it would really mean to be with me and-”

“Shut up! I fucking love you you stupid boy!” David yelled, not loud, but not quiet either.

Matteo stared at him, blinking rapidly. He hadn’t meant to yell, that probably wasn’t helpful at all but he needed Matteo to know, needed to shout over all the dark thoughts and doubts filling his mind. He needed to stop him, and he needed him to know, this wasn’t something he could keep to himself any longer.

Matteo looked at him in pure disbelief.

“I- what?”

“I love you. Matteo I love you,” he said.

He couldn’t stop now, he needed to make it clear. He would say it over and over until this boy realised it was true, until he could no longer doubt it.

Matteo frowned, but his lips were turned up slightly, like he was trying not to smile. David could see that he was warring with the doubts in his head.

“You can't,” he said, sounding unsure.

“I can, I do,” David said.

Matteo’s smile was growing, his eyes shining.

“But-”

“I love you,” David repeated, his tone was final with no room for arguments.

It was true but this wasn’t exactly how he’d seen his confession going, shouting it at Matteo in his bed. While poor Matteo was trying to come out of a depressive episode. He had hoped it could’ve been something more romantic. 

Matteo wouldn’t look at him now, just stared down at his hands. David reached out and intertwined their fingers, squeezing his hands gently.

“I… love you too but-”

“No.”

“No?”

“No buts Matteo I am in love with you I was then I am now."

Matteo stared at him now, David could see the doubts in his eyes, they were fading the more he heard it. If that’s what it took then that’s what David would do. He would tell him a thousand times a day to make him understand.

“Matteo I know this will be hard but I need you to try and believe me. I want this, I want to be with you, even on the hard days, because they won’t be forever, this will pass,” David said.

“But it will happen again,” Matteo said.

“And it will pass again,” David said.

“You shouldn't have to-”

“I know bad days Matteo. My dysphoria used to so bad that sometimes I couldn’t bear to even go outside. I couldn’t stand people looking at me, because I didn't know what they were thinking, what they were seeing. I know what it is to hate yourself Matteo. I’m doing a lot better now, but still I get days like that, when everything gets too much, and I get in my head and I start doubting everything-”

“But that’s not your fault. It's not the same-”

“Your depression isn’t your fault Matteo. And you’re right, it's not the same, it’s not the same at all. But our difficulties and struggles don’t have to be the same for us to support each other,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo said, but the frown was finally starting to fade from his face, things becoming clearer.

“Would you leave me if I was struggling? If I locked myself away because I couldn't stand the sight of my reflection?”

“No of course not. I’d smash all the mirrors if it made you feel better,” Matteo said.

David smiled, that was why he loved him. Matteo would do anything to make someone else feel better. David was going to make it his mission to help him through this. Teach him how to be as kind to himself as he was to others.

“Then why would I leave you? I know there’s nothing I can smash or break to help you feel better, but I can be there with you, that’s what you need isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

He sighed and moved forward, curling against David. David wrapped his arms around him again.

“We’ll figure this out Matteo. We don’t have to know all the answers right away,” he said.

“I got scared, in the kitchen last week, I got scared,” Matteo said.

“Why?”

“Because it was like nothing had changed, and I was scared that you’d realise I hadn’t changed at all. I wasn’t any better than that stupid pushy teenager who scared you away before... nothing had changed. I didn't get over you at all, I didn’t even try, it was only ever you. I knew I'd never find that again so I thought why bother. Then you were there in my kitchen and it was exactly the same, it was different, but it was exactly the same, and I was terrified, does that make sense?”

David nodded, and squeezed him tight.

“I never tried to move on either, because it was only ever going to be you. Every now and then Leonie and Sara will try and set me up on a date, and I fob them off, tell them I'm busy. But really it’s because of you, because there was no one else,” David told him.

“But it doesn’t make any sense,” Matteo mumbled against his chest.

“Why?”

“We literally had days together, we fell in love after what? One date? How?”

“I fell so hard for you Matteo maybe it doesn't make sense but it's real, it's so real because if it wasn’t I'd have been able to forget about you,” David said.

“I could never forget about you, I could've stayed on nonna's farm until I was eighty-two and it would still be you. It will always be you,” Matteo said.

“I never thought I'd get this,” David whispered, running his fingers through Matteo’s hair.

He never thought he’d have something like this, a boy in his arms for him to treasure and love. He’d all but written off the idea.

Matteo frowned up at him.

“Someone who loved me like this,” David explained.

“How could anyone not love you?”

“When I came out to my parents, they didn’t want to know. They weren’t aggressive, but their disappointment was clear, they wouldn’t try at all. And school was hell. They wouldn’t help, it was like they thought I deserved it. That I'd brought it upon myself and I would just have to deal with it,” David said.

“Fuck them!” Matteo muttered.

“Yeah. I had to leave with Laura because I couldn't stand it there. But if the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally refected me how the fuck was I supposed to convince a stranger to fall in love with me? I’d written it off, it was just something that was never going to happen for me. If I wanted to be comfortable in my own body, my own skin, then love was just not going to be an option for me,” David said.

“Oh David…”

“And then I saw you,” he said.

Matteo stared at him, confused.

“Then you saw me?”

“Yeah and all of those rules went out the window. All those walls began to crack, I couldn’t stop it. When I first saw you in that corridor you looked even sadder and lonelier than me,” David said softly.

“I thought you didn’t get lonely,” Matteo mumbled.

“Just because I’d resigned myself to be alone didn’t mean I couldn't get lonely. I didn’t feel it as bad as you but it still hurt, anyway then I spoke to you and you really were that sad. All I wanted to do, despite myself, was take you away, protect you from whatever it was that made you look like that. All I wanted to do was love you, but I couldn't because I was still so afraid,” David said.

Matteo smiled a small smile, but it reached his eyes and they lit up with joy. He looked like David had given him the universe. Because to him it was everything David knew that. That’s what he wanted, what he needed, he needed to be loved. This boy had all the love in the world inside him and no one to share it, no one to return it. David would be that person.

“You really did love me, even back then,” Matteo said, his voice awestruck.

“Yeah, I mean I didn't get it at the time but yeah, when you were gone I knew that’s what it was,” David said.

“I knew, when it hurt so bad, I knew it was love, nothing else could be that painful,” Matteo explained.

They’d loved each other despite them being apart, despite the distance between them.

David squeezed him again, it didn’t hurt that time, when Matteo mentioned the pain he’d caused. It didn’t hurt because they were healing. They were going to be ok. It wasn’t going to be easy, David would still have days where he wanted to run from the world, but Matteo would be there waiting for him to run back. Matteo would still have days where everything crushed him down, and David would only able to hold him until it passed. But they would be ok, because he loved the boy in his arms, and Matteo loved him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s the end of this part of the story and David's side of things. Up next Matteo. As always comments are much appreciated, and if you have questions or updates hmu [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


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